Your dream holiday awaits!

noo noo girl running for David

7.5 ways to get a dream holiday abroad…

The sun is shining, and everything, EVERYTHING, is going well. Yet before you know it, summer slips away, and, well, we all know what awaits us later in the year. And I’m not talking about a champagne breakfast on Christmas Day. Do not fear, I have a plan to make a dream, winter running holiday come true. Just for you.

1. If you saved £50 a month for Xmas presents for the whole year, then told the family that while you were out shopping someone mugged you and stole your purse with the money in; that gives you your first serious chunk towards achieving your dream. Total earning potential: we are talking at least £600!

2. Take all your kids’ toys that measure more than 50cm square, that you/others spent lots of money on and which they have never appreciated and sell them either (in order of possible profit) on eBay, at a garage sale or car boot. Make sure family is not around when you undertake this initiative. Imperative – do not give notice of this to anyone. Suggested: car boot in next town/village/area to prevent possible backlash. If challenged on this one, feign complete ignorance or blame the toy fairy. Potential income? £100.

3. I do not recommend this at all, but some people may well consider this an option. You know your partner has at least three (four, five, or more…) bikes in the garage and shed. In fact so many that you can neither a) get to the tumble dryer all winter or b) get your own bikes out for the daily school run without having to manoeuvre past at least one of these bikes, potentially causing a back injury that could jeopardise your whole running career. Well, if one of these went missing, surely no one would notice? Ah-hum. (Officer it must have been a burglar…) If you don’t tell anyone, neither will I. Potential income? Got to be at least a couple of hundred, easy.

4. For a small, and incredibly reasonable fee, offer to be the driver to all major running events that your club attends for at least a year. If you charge a nominal fee of just £25 per event, both you and your club are on to a winner. You could drive the minibus down to the London Marathon, the car that takes competitors all round a multi-stage, day-long event, even offer to drive at the annual awards night. Come on, if everyone chipped in just £2 each, every time, you would be offering a platinum service at Lidl-style prices. Potential income? £100.

5. Set up a book club. A book club you ask? Yes, a book club! This is one of your more ingenious options. Whether at work, at college, on the playground, whichever universe you inhabit your sole aim will become to convince at least 20 friends, family or acquaintances (even strangers) to join. Create a list of books, then buy them second-hand from AMAZON (for 1p a piece plus about £2:80ish in postage) then sell on to unsuspecting members for full jacket price. You may need to invest in some Tip-Ex and scissors to remove any incriminating ‘Library Copy’ evidence. Twenty times about £3 profit per meeting, every six weeks: total earning potential over one year: £520. (A word of advice – don’t become greedy; once you try and hold the book club every other day, someone may cotton on. Believe me, I know.)

6. By now you are getting desperate. You will do anything to help you achieve your dream. You are going to now need some cunning, and maybe a tiny touch of deception. You need to buy one of those £1 buckets from the, er, £1 shop. Paste upon it a label with very big letters ‘FUNDRAISING FOR THE 2020 OLYMPICS’. Then in very, very, very small (in fact so small that only an owl could read it) letters write underneath: ‘My fund to make my dream come true’. Again, this can be taken to work, to the playground, to the pub, to someone’s house when you go for dinner; where you get your bucket out is entirely up to you. But the more you get out the bucket, the more likely your running holiday is going to become. If anyone asks who the money is for, just say a local athlete who you are sponsoring. What? It’s true, isn’t it? OK… your chances of making any Olympics in your 40s are slight, but we all gotta dream, right? Earning potential: £80-£100 (depending on how long it takes for your spoof athlete to be un-spoofed).

7. Now the crunch: how low are you prepared to go to make that one dream, that one hope, become reality? If you really have left your morals and reservations at the beginners’ course you recently finished, this one is for you. Are you willing to prostitute yourself? No you cry! Well, I’m sorry, but sometimes a woman has to offer the only services she has. Start with ironing… I know, I know, it’s an unbearable sacrifice to even think about, let alone do, but in the words of Dolly, ‘Sometimes it’s hard to be a woman…’ If you can keep this up, you could try diverging into oven cleaning, and if you don’t lose the will to live within a few weeks, there’s even full-time cleaning. Why would anyone ever want to sell their soul in such a hideous manner you ask? Kid, if you want that dream to happen, you just have to lower your standards. Goddamit, some women have to do this to make a living, bless their souls. No child would ever think that when they are grown up they are going to have to do this to survive in this life. Still, one to two cleaning/housework-er-ly jobs per week in your local area, and over the year you will be bringing home £2000 plus. You may hate yourself but think of your cardio-vascular fitness.

The .5? I would never, ever, ever do this, but…Advise all children that it is a fantastic idea for them to ask for cash for their birthday and Christmas presents – from everyone! Two major money-making opportunities per year, and depending on how far you went for humanity, this could be up to six lots of, say, £50 over the year. Total earning potential: £300. Hold on a minute you cry, how do we ‘take’ our children’s money to fund our running holiday? Refer to point 1. (Well, if it works, use it).

So there you have it, there’s an easy £3,500 or so for you to spend on your dream running holiday. Now comes the difficult part, do you choose Club la Santa, La Manga Club, the wonderful French Alps (check out www.chillipowder.com) the French Riviera or the Spanish coastline….so many choices…

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